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Can be My Partner’s Porn Habit Harming Our Relationship, or Am I Just Insecure?

Disclaimer: While this article discusses heterosexual relationships, the same principles can be applied to relationships involving any gender.

“ Any time I post about our partner’ s porn routine and its hurtful effects on this relationship, people are so fast to say, ‘ It’s YOU. It’s YOUR lack of self-esteem that is the problem. ’ ‘ There’s nothing wrong with a little bit of porn. ’

I’m starting to think them. I don’t want to appear to be a prude. But no matter how hard I try, whenever I think of my guy getting aroused to to know what behind my back, I’m filled with a sad rage that I cannot shake.

I’m in therapy, but it’s not assisting me fast enough. What can I do/read/watch? ”

J .

Heard the argument that porn isn’ t harmful to human relationships, it’ s just that some partners are insecure with their significant other’ s routine and that is more harmful to relationships than porn ever could be? What do you think?

Let’ s entertain the argument for a instant. If porn weren’ capital t actually harmful to relationships, then the majority of available research might reflect that it is partners’ various insecurities that cause issues, as opposed to the porn itself.

So what do experts say?

Related: Can Porn Improve An Intimate Relationship?

Brain Heart World

What does the research say?

Allow us to introduce you to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, Co-founders from the Gottman Institute.

The Gottmans have carried out 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples. Doctor John Gottman was one of the Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past quarter-century by the Psychotherapy Networker. He is the writer or co-author of over 200 published academic articles and more than 40 textbooks. Dr . Julie Gottman is really a highly respected clinical psychiatrist, she is sought internationally by media and organizations being an expert advisor on marriage, sexual harassment and rape, and domestic violence.

Together, they are regarded as some of the most influential and amazing world-renowned experts on interactions, and their resources are all about how to build and maintain profitable marriages and partnerships.

So , you can see they’ re both experts. Yet how do they feel about the effects of porn in relationships?

In 2016, they released an open letter upon pornography and relationships. In a nutshell, they have concluded that, “ Pornography poses a serious threat to couple intimacy and partnership harmony. ”

Related: Renowned Relationship Therapists Drs. Julie & John Gottman Release “Open Letter On Porn”

From the letter: “ Analysis on the effects of pornography make use of, especially one person frequently viewing pornographic images online, shows that pornography can hurt a couple’s relationship. The effect might be true, in part, because pornography can be a “ supernormal stimulus’ … In fact , use of pornography by one partner network marketing leads the couple to have much less sex and ultimately reduces relationship satisfaction. ”

Convinced yet?

More from the Gottmans, they explain:

“When watching porn material the user is in total control over the sexual experience, in contrast to normal sex in which individuals are sharing control with the partner. Thus a porn user may form the unrealistic expectation that sex will be below only one person’s control… the connection goal of intimate connection is confounded and eventually lost. ”

And for good determine, here’ s one last quote from the letter that puts the nail within the coffin of the idea that porn causes no issues in relationships on its own: “ When one person becomes accustomed to [being aroused] to porn, they are actually turning away from intimate interaction. ”

Associated: Why I Finally Stopped Watching Porn After I Saw How It Affected My Partner

As you can see, these types of experts have concluded not that it’ s companion insecurity that causes relational issues, but the porn itself along with the attitudes, behaviors, plus beliefs that often accompany porn consumption.

But are the Gottmans the only types who think porn can harm relationships?

Podcast - Wood Figures - Light

But what does other research say?

The truth is, within healthy relationships, reputable research in general shows you can’t get it both ways. Studies show customers can’t have the instant satisfaction of thousands of virtual intercourse partners and a fulfilling long-term committed relationship.

The long-term research paint a very different image than what you might be listening to from pro-porn advocates. The preponderance of evidence from the dozen or more in-depth, longer-term studies consistently show porn consumption lowering relationship satisfaction, psychological closeness, and sexual satisfaction.[1]

Related: My Wife And I Loved To Watch Porn Together—Until It Ruined Our Closeness

Let’ s take a look at some more information.

• Two highly respected pornography experts from the University of The state of alabama, Jennings Bryant and Dolf Zillmann, studied the effects of porno and media for more compared to 30 years. Their findings determine that consuming pornography could make an individual less satisfied with their particular partner’s physical appearance, sexual performance, sexual curiosity, and affection. What is more, some individuals felt not just dissatisfied, but critical of such aspects of their partner.

• A 2012 study by Amanda Maddox and her team concluded that individuals who never viewed sexually-explicit material reported higher relationship quality (on every measure) in contrast to those who viewed the same precise material on their own.[2]

• In one of the few studies to follow married couples and their pornography consumption for several years, experts found that porn did, in fact , harm relationship quality and satisfaction. The experts concluded:

“In general, married persons who more frequently viewed pornography in 2006 reported significantly lower levels of marital quality in 2012… Pornography’s effect was not simply a proxy intended for dissatisfaction with sex life or marital decision-making in 06\. In terms of substantive influence, the particular frequency of pornography use within 2006 was the second strongest predictor of marital quality in 2012. ”

• A new study published in 2017 analyzed the impact of married couples where one partner consumes more porn than the other—which is a pretty common pattern. The researchers concluded that “greater discrepancies between partners in pornography use were related to less relationship satisfaction, much less stability, less positive communication, and more relational aggression. ” [3]

Related: How It Feels To Finally Be In A Relationship With Someone Who Doesn’t Watch Porn

Research after study has shown that will contrary to popular belief, porn itself is certainly bad news for long term relationships. Not an unsupportive and porn-disapproving partner, but the porn itself. The majority of research shows that porn negatively affects satisfaction within the relationship and ultimately can lead a person to withdraw from a loved one.

As porn gets more normalized, we want to be a source of information pointing away that porn is not safe. This isn’t a moral point. This comes down to you and your individual relationships, and the opportunity to create an informed decision about what will make them indefinitely thrive.

Give One For Love

Turn towards each other instead of porn

Just think for a minute about what it might mean for the relationship when a couple transforms to porn for intimate excitement instead of each other. See how it isn’ t the particular porn-disliking partner that’ h the issue, but the porn?

Related: Why Watching Porn With My Partner Was A Terrible Idea

Relationships are about being in love with an entire 3D person, not a tailored image or influencer. Sure, a partner will not always be on with sex like in porn, but real connection and actual intimacy offer so much more. It’s a risk, yes, to become vulnerable with another person. Sometimes even frustrating, as no partnership is perfect. But exactly where porn is easy, relationships are rewarding.

So the next time you hear the point that porn isn’ capital t problematic, it’ s only the insecurity of the non-porn viewing partner, stick to the facts and show them this research.

Citations

[1] Wilson, G. (2013). Studies Linking Porn Use Or Porn/Sex Addiction To Sexual Dysfunctions, Decrease Arousal, And Lower Intimate & Relationship Satisfaction; Retrieved From https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/studies-reported-relationships-between-porn-use-or-porn-addictionsex-addiction-and-sexual

[2] Maddox, A. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2011). Viewing Sexually-Explicit Materials Solely or Together: Associations with Relationship Quality. Archives of Sexual Behavior , 40 (2), 441–448. http://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-009-9585-4

[3] Willoughby, N. J., Carroll, J. T., Busby, D. M., & Brown, C. (2016). Variations in pornography use among couples: Associations with satisfaction, stability, and relationship processes. Records of Sexual Behavior, 45, 145-148, doi: 10. 1007/s10508-015-0562-9

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